into the wild

Oh Fuck.

ibelieveanything — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 12:27:22 +0000

I hate myself.
more so than usual right now i suppose.
only because i’m so incredibly fucking overweight.

i need to change.
i’m destroying things. I’m destroying things but i’m just being blind to them when i should know it’s happening.

i’m wrecking my body. Fact.

i’m wrecking my metabolism permanently. Fact.

i’m wrecking my brain. Fact.

i’m wrecking my relationship with my mum through my irrationallity. I’m a disappointment to her now. Fact.

i’m wrecking my relationship with my boyfriend, which is relatively new anyhow. Fact.

[^^ I don't see how. Maybe just delete that bit?]

i’m losing proper ideals and sense of reality. Fact.

losing my ability to prioritise my life will probably go next, if i still have that, unless i get my shit together and start, ‘being normal’ as mum likes to call it.

except i don’t want that.
i just want to starve all my life, and just not have the fortnightly bingeing sessions that make me feel so fucking dead. that’s not normal.

i don’t know.
Fuck.
Fuck i feel so fat right now.

Meh.
escape to sleep.

You wrung me out too too too many times

ibelieveanything — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 11:44:14 +0000

Hi new decade, nice to finally meet.

i have 22 new years resolutions.
and i already fucked half of them today.
so i suppose i start properly tomorrow.

people apologise, even though they’re not at fault, just to avoid tension or an argument or something. don’t. It’s just as bad. but then so is taking people for granted.
i don’t even feel like i want to be around people because i’m too fat. Just leave me alone for a little, please. Night.

Ten large ultimate meals

ibelieveanything — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 12:14:18 +0000

It’s night

because it’s dark now and that’s what everyone calls it now anyway

i am brainstorming a list of resolutions

i have an entire page

there’s about 30

i can still think of some

they’re all important ones too

tomorrow i am going to go and buy a visual art diary

and make it my inspiration book

i hate choosing

between two people that you can’t not choose

what a fucked up situation

i wish i was just working now no not really

i don’t know

i need space

no no no no i don’t

i don’t know

goodnight internet

i’m going to finish my list

Conversate

ibelieveanything — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 11:45:07 +0000

Biiiig sigh.
everything isn’t good
and i’ve been waiting on the turnaround and it’s just not coming.
it’s like when you go under a wave, and not realise there’s a bigger one just behind it, and it hits you with all it’s potential.

so you put on a smile, and laugh about it, and pretend like it’s no big deal. But still, nothing changes. You can pretend for a while.
but it’ll always be there when you come home.

oh, all over the metaphors here today.

i said i’m sorry.

collection

ibelieveanything — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 13:18:03 +0000

Haven’t posted in years.

and this one isn’t destined to be positive at all. Probably because i feel terrible. I really am hating ‘ post christmas ‘ and i really am needing sleep.
everyone hates me again
i wish didn’t wake up tomorrow i think.
night.

ibelieveanything — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 04:28:22 +0000

no posts for a while
sydddddney.

uncertainty.

ibelieveanything — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 03:21:02 +0000

well i am,
only because i feel like he is,
and he is everything to me.

so yeah,
i don’t know.

Gain.

ibelieveanything — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 11:50:05 +0000

I’m scared that i have.

i haven’t run in too long, and mum keeps getting angry at my ways of eating. even though they’re normal?
god. And she says i don’t look healthy anymore.
Ha.
that’s pretty funny really.

Well i’m semi inspired today,
and i was just about to say something but i totally forgot it. don’t you love that?
goodnight.

Speechless

ibelieveanything — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 10:58:08 +0000

Is what i was, this morning.
feels so good.

see?

ibelieveanything — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 11:18:56 +0000

okay, so last night i had the worst dream. And it was one of those really long ones. And one that i swore was actually real. i’m going to try to explain it as best i can.
it was night, and i was in a house that i’ve never seen, but in the dream, the house was familiar. And -fuck. i actually can’t write this.
i actually am scared to say it. Say his name.
i swear it was real.
..

i haven’t run in,
well this is the third day.
and i actually miss it alot.

and i really miss someone. And our talks. She is pretty good at just understanding. And i need it right now.

0.2
please.